The last few years I have been moving further and further from my ego, slowly learning to work as a means of giving rather than taking. But a bit still remains. And it was that remaining bit that prompted me to write this, as a follow up to something I shared a few months ago.

About a week ago I got a random message from a Bundesliga team captain in Germany. He told me his club was looking for a head coach, and that he was currently doing an internship at the gym I had just left.

He said he had heard the story from the head coach, but also from the kids. Apparently the two versions were quite opposite. So he ended up reaching out to me. The boys were good to me. I think I did manage to make an impact on them.

He caught my interest, so we arranged a call for the following days.

There is my ego outburst. And I am not proud of it.

During that conversation he mentioned that the head coach was not happy with my performance. His words were that they had thrown me out. What I felt was not wounded pride. It was something heavier. Because at the end of the day I walked out of that gym and left kids behind in an environment I knew was not right for them. You can read more about why I left in this post (link). Whether I should have done more about that is something I am still sitting with.

And I almost let my ego answer his.

Almost.

I am baffled that a sport with so much to give still moves so slowly when it comes to change. How is it that we are still seeing abuse stories surface regularly, with decorated athletes saying no medal was worth the mental health cost they paid to get it.

In some places the ground is shifting. But what else does it have to take.

I have seen senior gymnasts crying alone on the stairs because they did not make the team. I have seen coaches blame a gymnast because she was too slow for a vault. I say these things not to shock, but because I hope that naming reality is the first step toward someone deciding to act on it.

And yet I have also seen six year olds running across the gym to help a teammate carry a mat. I have seen a slightly older athlete sit beside a younger one and explain a skill with more patience than most adults manage.

After 20 years and 10 countries, I keep finding that gymnastics has too many dark corners. And most of them exist because of ego. People who want the accolades and the success and are willing to do frightening things to get there.

Forgive me for this rant. This touched a chord. But I am hoping more people are working towards a long and joyful journey, and not just a deadline that after every sacrifice could go away as quick as a twisted ankle.